the signs as church quotes

Aries: There is no eleven, YOU FUCKING WHORE!
Taurus: If you say anything positive, I will fucking kill all three of us right now!
Gemini: I swear, somebody keeps fucking with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.
Cancer: Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.
Leo: I mean if I was killed by an alien, or a monster, or you know, like some sort of sorority blow job massacre, that I can handle.
Virgo: Okay guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised in our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this HORSESHIT RIGHT NOW!
Libra: There's a fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.
Scorpio: I guess that's why we get along so well. We're both just a couple of lovers.
Sagittarius: No matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit yer bitching.
Capricorn: I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.
Aquarius: Holy crap, WHO IS RUNNING THIS ARMY?!
Pisces: I can't believe I died for this war.